So I went to the doc and he fucking mutilated the fuck out of my little toe with a pair of tweezers. I was like sweating balls and writhing in pain while he was digging away and he’s like “Oh yup, bit of glass” should be fine now.
So fucking glad it wasn’t a nerve issue like my pop.
True story. MY LIFE IS SO INTERESTING!
I really thought I knew where I stood. I thought that I was fine with the way I thought my life was. I thought that Joe would always be the same person and so would I. I thought nothing would taint my view of our friendship. I mean, I’ve had one boyfriend leave me for her and another boyfriend cheat on me with her. We’ve lived in different cities for 3 years and nothing had changed at all. We were perfect best friends.
But this last weekend when I went and visited her my perception of her shifted. And I don’t mean like a shudder of a shift. I mean a 7.0 earthquake sized shift. I thought she was the one tying me down in this world. The one constant through everything.
I don’t know if it was the way she was or the fact that we were in each others company for 4 straight days drunk and hungover. But I know one thing that I couldn’t accept or handle at all. I’ve always known Joe has a mean side. We both do, and we always took the piss with each of our mean sides together. But I have never been on the receiving end of it, not even while she was ruining two of my longest relationships. But this weekend I must’ve pissed her off. Because she treated me like fucking dirt the last night I was there.
If I didn’t know her and she acted that way to me I would assume she detested me. I still do feel that she does. We are so fucking different now. I actually got bored drinking and partying with her which is UNHEARD OF! We have always loved each others company. But there are only so many hours of watching people smoke that I can handle. Fucking chain smoking. A smoke every five minutes. A smoke before we leave a bar. A smoke for the walk to the next bar. A smoke as soon as you get to the bar. WHAT THE FUCK WERE WE EVEN OUT FOR?! Honestly, I barely had any conversations with anyone new. I didn’t dance for a second the entire weekend.
It just felt like such a waste of time.
This weekend has made me want to move. To either Australia or Canada. I want to get the fuck away form everyone I know. I want to go away and never come back. I want to be able to ‘forget’ to email back. I want to never be online at the same time as anyone so I don’t have to deal with anyone who knew me.
I want to become a Jane Doe. A person nobody knows. I want to start the fuck over. And I want to do it properly! I want people to meet me and love me for who I am RIGHT NOW. Not the person I was when I met them because I have diverged SO much from the person I was then. All my high school friends have followed the same path they were on when we left high school. The only other one who has changed is Theo. God bless that kid. He accepts me as I am now because he is the only one from Napier who has any inkling of who I actually am.
I need to appreciate the fuck out of him. In a completely platonic way.
I can’t wait to go to Korea. I will be my own person. I will be who I want to be!
I don’t think I’m depressed at the moment. I just know that what I’m doing in my life isn’t good enough. I have gained way too much weight. I haven’t done nearly enough work for my parents. I haven’t got a real job.
I am however going to Melbourne this week. I am also going on a four month exchange in South Korea. This in itself should be enough to motivate the FUCK out of me.
But I’m a dead weight right now. I seriously need to get my act together. I just burnt out this semester. My exams were way to spread out. I spent way too long stressing about everything this year and it seriously just burnt me out. I guess I’m due a bit of relaxation. So I just need to get the ball rolling again and get ready to stress the fuck out again. yay -_-
They didn’t find anything worth worrying over. The only thing now, is how do I stop my fucking breast from hurting all the time!
I need to figure out what is making them hurt. -_-
I actually need to start losing weight. I need to stop drinking soda. I need to go back to the gym. I need to start eating more fruit and vegetables. I need to do this to stay alive. I need to do this to be healthy and to feel healthy. I need to start NOW! Igh
Today I feel like a dead weight on this world. Id be better off fertilising a fucking patch of grass in the back lands. It’s possibly related to the dread I’m feeling because today I find out if I might have breast cancer. I really fucking hope this scan comes back fine.
